Guilty
by Xanders Gaurdian Angel
Summary: What I think should have happened after Xander and Willow "fluked"


**Title:** Guilty

**Author:** Xander's Guardian Angel

**Summary: **What I think should have happened after Xander and Willow "fluked"

**Rating:** M

**Pairing:** C\X,

**Authors Notes:** I use UK not US dictionary.

**Warnings:** Adult themes and harsh language may be contained within this fic.

**Disclaimer:** Buffy and Angel do not belong to me, they belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy Productions and the WB Network. I am making no profit.

As Xnader stood – staring down at Joyce – his sleeping baby daughter, he couldn't help but wonder what if? What if, ten years ago, he hadn't told Cordelia the truth and had done as Willow wanted and kept their "fluke" a secret? Would he be standing here now feeling like the luckiest guy in the world? Would he be able to look himself in the mirror every morning without flinching?

Probably not.

Logically, when he looked back on his choices he knew that there were things he would have done differently – but not that – never that. He really didn't want to think about the kind of person that he would be now if he had. Hindsight could be a wonderful thing, it could prove you right – or hammer home how wrong you were – he was just thankful that he'd made the choice he had back in high school.

Glad that he had taken control of his life there and then. Although the right hook Oz had delivered a few days later was something, he could have lived without.

But in the end, Xander had been able to stand tall – yes, he had screwed up royally – but he'd at least been willing to admit to his sins and take his punishments – unlike Willow. He'd done what Giles later called _"…the mature thing…"_ and not _"…taken the easy way out…"_ though he'd be lying if he said it wasn't tempting in the extreme to do so. He'd weathered Buffy's and Giles' disappointment in him. Oz's justifiable hostility and the fact that once the student body knew he was persona non grata for a good couple of weeks. And frankly was glad that Willow had avoided him like the plague as it had given him the time and motivation he needed to think about how much of a scumbag he'd been.

And Cordelia, her reaction was one he wasn't soon likely to forget.

"_You really are an idiot aren't you Xander?" Cordelia growled at him scathingly._

_He wanted to flinch, turn away from her, and run – but didn't – he stood his ground he after all deserved whatever was coming next and what was more, he knew it. Cordelia stood before him arms crossed, her back ramrod straight glaring at him in open anger. The rest of the libraries occupants sat arrayed around the table in the middle if the room, staring at them – _at him_ – in open mouthed shock. All accept Willow, who sat head hung meekly trying to retreat into herself. Cordelia was positively radiating a palpable aura of anger and betrayal._

_He had to admit that it was possibly the most beautiful he had ever seen her._

_She was right; he really was 'an idiot'. Christ, what the hall had he been thinking kissing Willow – cheating on Cordelier – especially when she had given up so damned much to be with him? The answer was simplicity in itself – he hadn't been thinking – at least not with his brain, if he had he wouldn't be in this position right now. He was pathetic and as galling, as it was to admit – worse than his own dad – say what you wanted about Tony Harris, he would never cheat on his mom. He was a cheat, scum of the earth, lowest of the low. _

_Strangely, though he was ok with that – at least he was being honest about it – facing up to his flaws as a human being._

"_I knew," she spat, "I knew something was going on with the two of you. The guilty glances, the way you've been avoiding one and other like the damned plague. I knew…but this…I was half expecting you to cheat on me someday Xander – but _with her_, with _Willow of allpeople!"

_He opened his mouth to try to explain but didn't get the chances as she stalked forward and slapped him. Hard. Blistering hot pain blossomed across the side of his face and he forced himself not to wince or work his jaw – he knew he deserved a lot worse for his betrayal – and was getting off lucky with just a slap and not a kick to the family jewels. Her eyes locked on to his and he saw her anger, saw the hurt…and something else, not forgiveness – he'd have to work for that – but understanding maybe? She stepped closer into his personal space, almost intimately and whispered in his ear._

"_Right now Xander I don't want to hear your excuses or rationalisations. I'll deal with you last and mark my words doofus, I'm going to make your life a living hell for this, and you're going to work your ass off to earn my forgiveness."_

_He searched her eyes trying to figure out what she was thinking but her eyes turned unreadable._

"_You share the blame for this but it takes two to tango. And right now I blame __her __more."_

_Cordelia stepped away from him and spun around her eyes turning hard and wrathful as she did so and focusing on Willow. All Xander wanted to do right now was tuck tail between his legs and run. This was a confrontation that was years in the making – and as much as his instincts screamed for him to jump to Willows defence – he held his tongue. Willow wasn't the injured party here and had whatever Cordelia was about to unleash upon her coming – and not just for the cheating – over the years Willow had given as good as she had gotten from Cordelia, with one important difference, Cordelia was always upfront and honest with her insults. Willow preferred to do it out of earshot where no one could see or hear her do it._

_So, he braced himself for the ensuing verbal catfight. The gloves were about to come off and the claws come out – all he could do now was try and stay out of crossfire –as much as he could that was. Cordelia shook her head and let out a harsh sigh of frustration she stalked over to Willow, Buffy, and Giles hastily pushed themselves as far away from the pair as they could – apparently their self-preservation instincts were on full alert – while Oz remained steadfast. Not that moving would have actually done any good, if Cordelia's wrath turned on them for any reason. He knew his girlfriend and that when her ire was unleashed it was like a force of nature – _unstoppable_ – you couldn't fight it, only try to avoid it. _

"_Look at me Willow." She commanded imperiously._

_Willow didn't respond so Cordelia snapped her fingers in the red heads face. _

"_Look at me Willow." She commanded again._

_Oz rose from his chair – big mistake – before he could complete the move and defend Willow Cordelia had wheeled around on him and pinned him with a glare and then her voice turned almost gentle._

"_Look wolf-boy, I know you want to jump to her defence right now – __but please__ – don't. This had been a long time coming. So sit down, shut up, and don't interrupt me again. If you're willing to let this go that's _your prerogative_…but I won't… whatever you want to say can wait till I'm done."_

_Oz nodded and slid back down into his chair and glanced at him shortly._

"_Look at me Willow," Cordelia went on calmly, "you can't hide from this. All these years you've wanted Xander for yourself, pining away from afar hoping he'd actually notice you were _female_. I should have listened to my instincts – and though I hate to admit it Harmony and the rest of those sheep – but no I had to try and let bygones be bygones and bury the hatchet for Xanders sake and look what I get in return." _

_Willows head snapped up and she glared at Cordelia defiantly – another big mistake – before trying to respond. "You don't—" Willow tried but was cut off by Cordelia._

"_Don't what, Understand Willow? What if it turns out I understand you all too well? You're little Miss. Perfect Willow who's always right and can do no wrong because she's smarter than everyone. That Willow is right and the world is wrong and we should all bow down before you're oh so high and might superior morality? You've no respect for anybody but yourself – certainly not me – or Xander, you're supposed best friend."_

_Willow's averting her eyes spoke volumes to Xander at just how close to home Cordelia had just hit. Willow tried to respond again but Cordelia was on a roll and pulling no punches. _

"_Oh please spare me the _bullshit _Willow, I'm only going to say this once so listen up, __Xander _belongs to me and I to him._ Hearts, minds, bodies and souls Willow. Even though I'm pissed with him for this, I'll eventually forgive him – after much grovelling – and I'm fighting for him Willow, so if you want him you had better bring your game up a few notches. I no longer care what you think about our relationship. You're _guilty_ Willow – _guilty_ – no better than my former friend's… no wait, I take that back, at least Harmony and Co would be honest about stabbing me in the back while it was turned on them. You and Xander had a _choice _Willow, no one forced the two of you to cheat on me and Oz with each other I just thank God that Xander's more of a human being than you are… he at least feels the guilt and owned up to his part in it."_

"_Now come on Cor—" Buffy tried to protest._

"_Why should I?" Cordelia turned to face her and cut her off, "Oz and I are the slighted parties here Slayer, the Red Headed Step Child and my idiot of a boyfriend are the bad guys here. So do us all a favour and butt out."_

_Buffy made to protest some more but caught herself and nodded. It was amazing how easily Cordelia was cowing them all – it was truly magnificent and though he knew it was wrong – it was turning him on. Christ he really was in love with her and realised how crazy cheating on her had been. She was a goddess and he could only hope he'd gain her forgiveness and trust back fast. _

_She turned her attention back to Willow._

"_You've wanted him your whole life but never did anything about it until he _chose me_ – and that's what you can't deal with isn't it – that _he chose me_ and not you or Buffy or even Faith _but me_. You just can't get you head around that facts that he sees something in me that you can't…or should I say don't want to?" Cordelia smirked viciously "That he actually loves me and is willing to take whatever crap I think he deserves for this."_

_He couldn't stop himself and blurted out "I so do not deserve you."_

_She craned her neck and locked her eyes on him again. "You're right you don't." Then turned to face willow again, her voice becoming frigidly cold, it made him shudder involuntarily_

"_Listen up 'Softer Side'—"_

"_I hate you!" Willow spat._

"_Well boo-fucking-hoo Willow! Tell us something we don't already know. I've won you've lost. Game over accept it and move on if you're capable of it. If you try to pull shit like this again I will fuck you up in ways you can't possibly conceive of. And just so you know your big Witchy Pooh powers don't mean jack to me, unlike you I don't need to lean on a crutch like Magic to do damage to someone. And if Oz is willing to over look your part in this little debacle you should consider yourself damned lucky…he deserves so much better than you _Cheater_."_

_Willow mumbled something under her breath and Xander winced as he read her lips._

"_Oh I'm sorry I didn't quite hear that 'Softer Side', what did you say?" She asked in a sickly sweet voice, the one people used when talking to babies._

"_Go to Hell Bitch" Willow exploded._

"_Don't worry sweetie, I'll save you a seat in First Class." Cordelia shot back as she turned and walked back over to him._

"_As for you doofus, you have no idea the kind of punishments I have in mind for you – and you'll lap them up and beg me for an overdose – if you want my forgiveness and trust back. I love you Xander, God only knows why I do, but I do, but right now it's taking all my self control not to scratch both of your eyes out and blind you."_

_What could he say to that?_

_She turned her attention back to Oz and regarded him seriously._

"_If I were you Oz, I'd take along hard look at yourself and think damned hard before you decide whether or not to take her back. She's the one who tried to convince Xander to keep this whole thing secret."_

_Oz nodded._

"_The world is doomed." Giles muttered to himself. _

He was pulled back from his recollections by Joyce letting loose a tiny wail and started to fuss in her crib. Automatically he leaned over and picked her up, rocking her against his shoulder to calm her down. After a few minutes, Joyce began to settle and "cooed" in contentment as he moved away from the crib over to the nursery's sole window looking up at the moon. His thoughts were getting far too depressing and self-pitying lately – he needed to stop dwelling on the "what might have been" – and focus on the here and now. This was his life and he wouldn't change that for anything.

For the first time in his life, he wasn't afraid of becoming his dad – Ha! As if Cordelia would ever let that happen! – He was no longer running through his life as if there was no tomorrow, as if his inaction would cause the end of the world. He was just thankful that mom and dad had been able to run their lives around and kicked the booze for Joyce's sake. In a way, it had been funny how finding out they were going to be grandparents had provided the impetus they needed to get their acts together...and it had hurt more than a little that they could do that for her and not him.

He refused to dwell on that pain however, he was just glad that Joyce actually had some grandparents worth their salt – unlike the Chase's – who as far as he knew were still on the run for tax evasion. He was proud that mom had gone back to school, gotten her medical degree and become a doctor like she'd always wanted to. And how dad had once he'd sobered up had gotten back to his first love – other than mom that was – carpentry and was actually making a tidy profit from selling his work. It really meant a lot though that the first thing he'd worked on was Joyce's crib, every time he saw it he felt a swell of pride, pride for the fact that he could look up to his dad again for the first time since he was ten years old.

He looked down to his shoulder and to his amusement; Joyce was making a serious attempt to eat his t-shirt. "Hey," he whispered to her lifting her away from his shoulder and letting her nestle into his chest, "you don't want to eat that sweetie." Joyce giggled up at him in amusement of her own and started chewing on his t-shirt again, kicking her arms and legs our happily. Before he could say or do more, he was distracted by a soft chuckle from the nursery's door. He turned and a breath caught in his chest as he saw his wife leaning in against the doorframe in her nightgown, arms folded with an amused grin on her face. "How long have you been there?" He questioned.

"Not long." She answered moving into the room coming to stand in front of him. Gently she took Joyce from his arms a cradling their little girl against her chest. He slipped his arms around her waist and rested his forehead against hers, for a few minutes they both just watched, as Joyce seemed to settle and fall asleep in her arms. "I swear she must het her sense of humour from you, Xander." She commented gently.

"And that's a bad thing?" He asked amused.

"No, it's not." She lifted her head and locked eyes with his. "What's wrong?"

"Who says anything's wrong?" He tried to deflect.

She glared at him.

"Alright, it's just that time of the years you know...when I start thinking back and wonder what if hadn't manned up and told you what was going on with me and Willow."

She rolled her eyes. "You know if forgave you fro that a long time ago, Xander?"

Then lifted an arm stroked the side of his face with her hand and pulled him into a soul searing kiss.

As he pulled back from the kiss, he sighed. "I know, but I don't think I'll ever really forgive myself."

Her eyes locked on his intensely. "'You really are an idiot aren't you Xander?' You screwed up and took responsibility for it and I eventually forgave you, you don't have to worry about it anymore."

"I know, but I still can't help but ask what my life might me like now if I hadn't come clean?"

She sighed in exasperation. "Don't dwell on it; it won't do you any good. Now come back to bed, we have to be up early in the morning, remember.

He looked down to Joyce. "And what about our little princess here?"

"I don't think she'll have any objection to spending the night with us." She said taking him by the arm and leading him out of the room.

The End?


End file.
